MAIN’s guide to understanding Consent
Giving consent means giving permission or agreement for something to happen. This is a very important thing to think about in dating and relationships, especially around sex. Establishing consent clearly and explicitly is always important in sexual encounters.
Consent matters because it:
- Builds trust in relationships
- Prevents harm and trauma
- Respects everyone’s boundaries
- Empowers people to make their own decisions
Navigating sex and consent as a neurodivergent person can also be difficult and stressful. It can be hard to know what the other person is feeling and even what you want in a situation. When asking for consent it’s important to:
- Ask for consent before engaging in sexual activities
- Be direct and unambiguous
- Respect the other person’s response
- Check in regularly with your partner
- Remember silence does not mean consent
You can ask questions like “Do you want to do X?”, “Is it okay if I X?”, “Do you like that?” or “Do you want to stop?”
Some people worry that asking for consent will ‘ruin the moment’, and take away from the experience. This is not true. Asking explicitly for permission means that there is much less ambiguity and, therefore, much less stress, letting both of you relax and enjoy your time together.
Remember: No means no. If someone says they don’t want to have sex with you, this is okay. They are allowed to not want to do something, and it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you if someone doesn’t feel like being physical with you. It is also okay for someone to change their mind and decide they want to stop.
It’s also okay if you change your mind, or if you don’t want to do certain activities. A good partner will respect your boundaries and will not pressure you into sexual activity if you don’t want to do it.
Navigating grey areas of consent
Sometimes it can be a bit ambiguous about whether someone is consenting, or able to consent. It is always better to err on the side of caution. Try to take your own feelings out of the picture, and think about how your partner might feel now, and how they might feel later. If there’s even a small chance they might feel bad about it later, then it is better not to. People definitely cannot consent if they are asleep, intoxicated, under the legal age of consent, or if they feel pressured or coerced.
Many people find it difficult to say when they don’t want to consent. If someone’s body language implies that they don’t want to continue, you should check in with them and make sure that they want to continue. Examples of this sort of body language include:
- Looking away or moving away from you
- Being very quiet or silent
- Crossed arms or appearing closed off
- Being still or not moving much
Life is full of ambiguities, and the best way to navigate them is to always act in the kindest way towards your partner and put their safety first. The reason why we need enthusiastic consent is that sex is supposed to be fun, and if your partner is visibly not having fun, this may mean you should check in with them.
You must always respect whether someone consents and not pressure or force someone to have sex or do sexual things with you. This is assault and it is illegal, and it is a very horrible thing to do.
If you feel that someone has forced you to engage in sexual behaviours with them, you can seek support from Victim Support:
www.victimsupport.org.uk 0808 16 89 111
